


He Will Be Back

by daisychains



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Implied Relationship, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3236255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisychains/pseuds/daisychains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Dan decorates his thighs with red strings and red pearls but he doesn't understand why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Will Be Back

Dan lines the soft flesh of his thighs with red strings, and watches the red pearls form and cling before slipping down. It stings, but not a lot – it’s just the right amount of pain to keep his head above, but deliriously so.

He doesn’t know why he continues to do this, honestly, but thinking about _why_ only drives him to further decorate his thighs because then Phil's face comes to mind, the disappointment and heartbreak, and it makes him feel like shit because Phil doesn't deserve this and Dan doesn't deserve Phil but he can't let go because if anything would kill him, it'd be that, and even thinking about it hurts. 

There’s a guilt for feeling, definitely, as ironic as that sounds. Dan doesn’t know how to explain it – but a strange mix of anxiousness and nervousness overwhelms him whenever he tries to confront his emotions because _what if he’s not meant to feel like this_ or _people will think this is stupid_ and _i have everything and more, I'm so fucking selfish_ and _why why why why._ Because even he doesn’t understand his own feelings and he doesn’t know how to express them or _why_ he feels this way, and everything about this whole situation makes him antsy and confused.

Perhaps this is a side effect of the existential crisis, he thinks, because there are so many unanswered ‘whys’ that he asks that really don’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Or perhaps it’s the other way around. Or perhaps, it doesn't fucking matter.

He lets the blade drop onto the cold linoleum, and stares at the pattern of red and cream that hes created on his own thighs.

There’s so much effort in living. Its effort after effort and there’s no real end to it – because there's always going to another day to struggle through, tomorrow, and the day after that, and all he really wants to do is rest. To stop and have a chance to understand what the fuck is happening and have a moment of clarity – because there's too much of everything everywhere, everyone keeps moving and moving and moving and no one is stopping and thinking and Dan is too afraid to fight against the flow, but he can’t stop thinking.

He's not religious and he doesn't believe in the after life, but he believes in nothingness. If there is everything, there must be a nothing, because the world is full of opposites and paradoxes.

Black. Quiet. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

He grabs the slightly damp towel from the rack above his head and places it tenderly above his thighs to soak up the red. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall, welcoming the cool sensation spreading across his scalp, and lets out a small sigh.

He will be back soon.

 

               

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for this haha basically a stream of consciousness 
> 
> haven't done a check yet, sorry if there are any mistakes


End file.
